Eating disorders and BDSM

I am a recovering bulimic. Not someone who was once a bulimic, and has recovered – but someone who has lived with an eating disorder and continues to do so. The term live with when we talk about an eating disorder is used because the other choice is that it kills you. I do not now make myself throw up, but I spent a lot of my life doing so. Peoples experience of dealing with eating disorders vary enormously, however within the context of BDSM the forums are full of people saying that their Dom is helping them with their disorder, or that people wish they had a Dom to sort out there issues around food.

My recovery started with my Master encouraging me into therapy at the beginning of our relationship 3 years ago.

At the time life was pretty rough, my marriage had broken down and I found myself very suddenly living alone for the first time in my life. My eating disorder felt like my savior it was an area of my life where I was in control.

I was purging up to 8 times a day, my throat was thinned from acid corrosion, which meant I found myself with blood in my saliva. I had an irregular heart beat and was borderline diabetic. I was a regular at the local A&E. None of this stopped me, or made me think it was a problem or out of hand – I believed I was in control. The only person I had ever admitted that I was bulimic to was my husband, and he didn’t seem overly concerned.

My Master refused to accept that I could control my eating. He challenged me to not throw up for two week, believing that this would be easy and that “I would show hHm I was fine” I accepted that challenge.

I lasted 4 days. I had slumped into the bathroom floor.  My tears felt like acid burning my eyes, when I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand, I noticed that my hand was bloody from me clamping down on my hand with my teeth – I hadn’t even noticed that I was doing it but I had torn my skin.

It was my lowest moment.

It was the first time I actually believed I had a real eating disorder, this wasn’t just a voluntary act that helped me control my weight.

I phoned Master and told Him He was right, He was calm and reassuring and encouraged me to seek help.

At the time my only interest was BDSM, and I turned to Fetlife forums for answers.

I read lots of stories about subs giving over control of there eating to their Dom’s who would set out what they could eat, and when. That sounded awesome to me, someone else can count 1400kcals for me, and I could easily still purge if he miscounted….This would help surely!

When I excitedly told Him about my plan to give over control of my eating to Him he responded with: “No girl, your eating disorder is a medical condition that needs professional help. I am not trained, I cannot help you with this”

This sent me in to a spiral of denial again, “look it is not that big a deal”, “I don’t need therapy”, “I can sort this out on my own”. “Why won’t you help me?”

In writing this article I went back and looked at those forums – and I have found the same people there, no further along with there eating disorders than they where three years ago and I am grateful that my Master insisted that I got professional help. He told me that he would help me in two ways:

  • He would hold my hand when I was in tears.
  • He would make sure I went to therapy.

These two things proved to be my salvation. After my first session I argued with Him, I cried, I told Him I didn’t want to go and that it wasn’t helping, and that I could do it without therapy. I told Him I didn’t have a problem, and on the occasions where I admitted it was a problem I told him I could deal with it on my own, or with a little support from Him. After each therapy session, I would cry on His shoulder, I would tell Him that therapy was making it worse and tell Him that I didn’t want to go back and beg Him not to make me.

It felt like I was beating my hands against an unmovable rock – He was steadfast – I needed therapy – I was going to therapy. I couldn’t leave therapy till I was discharged.

That was two years ago. I last made myself throw up seven months ago (a relapse). I am still working through body issues. This is not an easy fix it is a lifetime.

I think it is easy as a sub to believe that you need a Dom, but you are a person in your own right – if you wish to hand over parts of your life it should be because you enjoy doing that not because you feel you can’t cope with on your own. Asking for help and support is fine, asking for a magic wand is not realistic. If you view submission as a gift then make sure that the things you give are not broken.

 

BDSM should empower us; it should let us become who we are capable of being, not be a crutch that we need to get through the world.

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This entry was posted in life goes on and tagged , , on by .

About CheshireCat_MMH

I am a bound girl, an on my knees yes please girl, but just to be clear I am those things to my Master only. I am also a rigger, the gentle sweet kind - who will turn up the pressure oh so slowly that you wont realize I am hurting you till you hear your own whimper. We make rope, made with a sadists love my Master says - or at least thats what he tells me as he grabs hold of my nipples while I am working the rope. So what will you find here? Well... it might be a snap shoot into our lives.. you can see a little about our rope on www.mmhjute.com and my masters rope pics on www.instagram.com/mastermhatter here... here you will find snap shoots and moments behind the scenes, and probably...me in the bath tub with beautiful girls who leave me weak at the knees.

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