I never understood the fuss about “being in the closet” as a vanilla (non-scene as my Master insists on calling it) girl, the world around me seemed accepting enough of those who where gay/lesbian, surely if someone had a problem with me I would just not have them in my life I reasoned.*
When I “became” or “discovered” my kinky my views changed, coming out of the closet when it actually applied to me became a far bigger deal.
The fear became very real for me when my ex divulged my lifestyle choices in the worse possible way to my parents, and I found myself disowned. With time they gave me the opportunity to have a sit down and heart to heart chat and we eventually resolved our differences – but this took time, and there remain tensions about my kinky life – and my polly life.
Prior to being outted I had been “living in the closet” for about 18 months, I had not seen a reason why my parents needed to know about my sexual preferences but there where things I suppose I could have probably explained about how my life was changing without going into sexual/gory details.
This lifestyle has a tendency to take over: I found myself skipping folk night for the local fetish night. I wasn’t really practicing my harp anymore, instead I was practicing knots. My wardrobe even changed from jeans and jumpers to day dresses and skirts. My non-scene friends where concerned about me, and when I tried to explain they shook there heads and moved on.
I would like to say with time things settled, but that isn’t completly true, there are still people from my past life that I avoid. Being active on the local scene I had more friends than ever before, all accepting and open minded people who supported me though the battles with vanilla world. Most having had the same battles themselves. My life had changed and most certainly for the better. I had stopped lieing to people, instead adopting a brutually honest and often mildly sacastic approach to questions that stopped people in their tracks before the nonsense came spilling out.
All kinksters at some point have to make a decision about who and what they say about their lifestyle choices.
Dont get me wrong, it is not all drama coming out to friends and family. I unfortunately did have a bad experience on the cusp of a breakup. The consensus seems to be amongst kinksters is that the lying about where your going at night, or how that bruise came about etc etc seems like a lot of effort and seems the most common reason why kinksters tell their friends and family about their new found interests.
Reactions vary, and some people will surprise you: Some may shrug, some may be curious, some may just genuinely not be interested.. There is however always a chance which seems more common in the older generations that the reactions will be stronger.
Some stories inc mine!
- I had 2 close friends, both I felt where open minded. Both hippy/musical types that attend festivals and generally hang out with some pretty alternative creatures. They mostly choose not to listen to the words coming our of my mouth and make up their own story based on their beliefs, and believe me not before many words and drama had insued. I wish I could say mine is a rare story, but alas it’s not. – Cheshire
- My reasons for telling my friends was purely as I didn’t like lying or trying to convince them not to ‘join me at the pub’ so the next time they asked what I was up to I told them I was going to a munch. They had no idea what one was so I explained. When they started asking a lot of intimate details I asked them how often they sucked cock. They then realised how personal the questions were. I’ve always said I will answer questions but you have to think if you really want the answer. I think the most positive reactions I had were from my mother and sister – Bambi
- I personally choose to tell anyone who matters to me. Purely because I can’t be bothered to lie. I told my dad and my sons dad. So if anything were ever to happen while I was a BDSM Club and they needed to be alerted, the shock of were I was wouldn’t be the focus. Most reactions I’ve had have been positive, I’ve answered a lot of questions. Some people want to know the basics, other people want to know every little detail they can get. Either way I’m happy to be able to answer as well as I can. It’s nice helping people understand something new. – E
During these times I feel it’s important to nuture your kinky friendships too, they will be an important guide in helping you merge your life with the kinky world.
If you want to tell someone already in your life and not on the scene, please can I reccomend that you keep it …Short, honest, and only what they need to know.
Being blunt not only stops people in their tracks (some will be expecting you to lie) it also prevents unnecessary further questioning that can make you feel more uncomfortble and more likely to say things you don’t need to.
Telling people that your kinky should ideally be done on a need to know bias, only only as much information as is revelant . examples….
- A work colleague was concerned when I was changing into my uniform about my bruising, I have her a wink and told her Annastsia from 50 shades ain’t got nothing on me.
- The doctor who asked about our relationship after Master had quickly barked at my fibs about food. .was reassured to know this was not an abusive relationship!
- When others ask about my collar I describe it as the “wedding ring” of my world.
It does get better though!
My mum has on occasion wished me good luck for my rope events, the people I work with.. its just another hobby, some ask me about it, most don’t.The general rule being that its not a thing unless you make it a thing!. So whilst it’s scary at first, for me learning to deal the occasional negative reaction from people who are less open minded has become a lot easier and is a fantastic life skill.
Benefits of being out the kinky closet
- You’ll find out who your real friends are, it will reveal your allies.
- Sharing vunerability increases your bond with others.
- You’ll be free of all secrets, which can feel quite wearing.
- The scene feels less scary place when your not in fear of bumping into someone you may know, you’ll spend more time enjoying yourself and speaking and meeting new people.
- Kinksters feel less scary too.
*Some lesbian and gay people face massive discrimenation, and I am in no way attempting to belittle the experince of comming out as gay or bi, rather I am attemtpting to say that within my liberal bubble this doesnt seem to be as much of an issue as it was say twenty years ago.