The Evolution of Kink Identity
by Cheshirecat_MMH and MasterMHatter.
(this entry is part of a section on Roles and Identity within Kink and forms part of the book “Learning to kneel: a Guide to submission” due for publication early 2017.
|This short section came out of a conversation with friends where we asked, what would you like to let new subs know?|
As a kinkster we go on quite the adventure. It is tempting to look at the different “roles/titles” and then try to make ourselves fit into one of these boxes. We exclaim yes! That describes me, and then work to make any of the areas that don’t fit squeeze in.
As time goes on some of those elements we have adopted can jar, and there can be areas which don’t fit in with the role we have chosen that interest us – we can be left doubting our identity. Am I really who I thought I was? How will kinky friends respond if I say that I am not a sub any more but am now a babygirl? Will people think less of me if they know I like to spank people?
IT IS OKAY TO CHANGE, TO EXPLORE, TO EVOLVE. TO TRY THINGS AND CHANGE YOUR MIND. IT IS OKAY TO NOT FIT INTO A BOX.
Being a meat eater who doesn’t like chicken is okay, being a babygirl who hates colouring is fine, being a submissive who doesn’t like pain is fine, being a top who like receiving anal sex with a strapon is fine.
|I mostly use the title slave, as I am my Masters – I want to express that I am living this 24/7, that He gets to have the final say in every area. However… I enjoy being read to, curling up with my head in His lap and sleeping like that. When we argue I swear like a trooper (something which I am normally not permitted to do). Can I really call myself a slave then? How do I describe the parts of me that are “little”? And the parts that are an angry teenager?
I am a rigger. I love to tie people up – and sometimes…maybe bite…just a little bit….and I enjoy spanking people..not everyone…but sometimes with the right person… wait does that mean I am a switch? I switch between Slave and Top? Even when I am topping someone though if Sir raises His eyebrow at me then I melt and…
So my profile reads Slave. Because I am His. That doesn’t tell the whole story though, and when you think of what a slave is like you may imagine someone very different to me – and that is okay, because I am not your slave – and the people who need to know how I play already know me.
We are all on a journey within BDSM, so whilst you may identify as a sub/bottom/slave/little/top etc now, it’s important to know that you can make these roles your own. You’re likely to evolve throughout your journey. While we are a community that thrives on rules, none of us can be defined by a single word, and we don’t need to be.
If you are not sure where you fit in, or don’t want to publically take on a “role” then leave your role as Evolving, for many of us it remains the truest description of who we are. If you wish to let people know what you are into – add to your fetish list, let people know that you love to be beaten, but with paddles not canes, and you have teeth as sharp as razor blades, and you love to cuddle and colour but that the thought of calling someone Daddy makes your skin crawl, and that cake turns you on in a way that really doesn’t seem right – but that a hand on your throat leaves you weak at the knees.. Above all – know that you don’t have to be who you were yesterday, and the fun is in finding out who you will be tomorrow.