I listen to a lot of podcasts, I read blogs, and other forms of writing from fellow polyamorous people. Thing is I’m always left feeling cold and more isolated than ever, these are people who seem to believe that polyamory is such a “higher” form of being.
Such an attitude I find quite upsetting, I have seen comments such as…
Monogamy is the Honda Civic, yea it gets from A to B, it doesn’t blow up on you, its a little fun and if you really want you can modify it and make it a little more exciting but its never going to be fast and its never going to make you feel as alive as you could be. Polyamory is a sports car, you get to choose if you end up with a crazy Zonda or a sporty little MX-5, if you want something that is super fast but needs to be tuned up every single day and has that risk of just going boom and never working again then you can, if you want something that’s just a little more exhilarating than that Civic but is nearly as reliable then you can, it’s a big open book to make it what ever you need
http://www.polychat.org states in their interview for Elite daily
” If relationships are like water and when your single your just like flowing river travelling across the landscape, closing off your relationship is like becoming a staginant pool of water, it might be nice at first to have this private lake but ERGG Mosictiots and erhhh you dont want those, going out and finding new tribuatories to keep the water turning and always interesting.
Like monogamy, polyamory is a lifestyle choice. I realise in society that the “default” is monogamy, that however can change with education and having good examples in our society. Having lots of poly people out there trying to tear down those who choose to be monogamous really doesn’t do us any favours and just further isolates us.
So this is a plea from me. Please stop the mono shaming.
I also wanted to address the Stupid things that poly people say, set some records straight and hopefully change some peoples opionins on how we should be approching our mono peers.
“Poly has a greater focus on communication than mono does, so we’re all better at it”
This seems to be a common thing that is said, I would like to think that these are people who are fairly new to the scene and haven’t yet experienced those moments where your partner forgets to mention significant things, or when they assume that you know something, or when they think you will be okay with something …etc etc. We are not better at communication, well at least not at first. It certainly MAKES you try and be better with how you communicate.
“Your relationship problems wouldn’t exist if you were poly”
I would love to meet the people who pipe this nonsense, they are totally misselling the lifestyle here. Poly is hard! Just becuase everyone is consenting to multiple relationships, doesn’t mean it gets easy. The more people you have in your life, the more emotions that are involved. We all carry with us our own wounds, often these wounds are from previous relationships or sexual encounters. Its only stands that we all act and respond differently in our relations to others, these are only exaserabted the more people are involved.
“At least i don’t get cheated on being poly”
Most of us who are poly negotate within our relationship bounderies, for example within my relationship Master tells or consults with me before sex and fluid bonding with someone new. No 2 poly relationships are the same, and everyone’s agreements are different.
Only one partner, you must be codependent on them
I think it’s safe to say that most of us have come from a mono background, so are these people admitting that they have been codependent with their partners in the past? So they are saying becuase they found themselves codependent…. I think is everyone in a mono relationship was codependent our society would have some pretty massive issues functioning. Codependency is not common and only effects…. so many people.
Living an aternative lifestyle does tend to make one feel like they are permanently on the defense, I lived my first 2 years as a poly kinkster on the attack. Fielding questions from the ignorant and sometimes illintentioned, it does make one rather disillusioned with the world. Even within the community I’ve been attacked and so can totally understand how people can get to a stage where you feel so defensive. Its only in being with people that are continuously accepting and unwavering loyality that you begin to relax. I feel extremely lucky to have such wonderful people in my life, and hope that everyone can eventually find the people that make them smile even when the hackles are up.