Author Archives: mastermhatter

About mastermhatter

Rigger, Kinkster and writer. A man in a hat, a sapiosexual with a love for that perfect curve of thought. An occasional painter, sometime philosopher, a coffee drinking theologian who ties people up and writes books on BDSM. My brain betrays me – and my memories slowly seep away, faces fade and names don’t stay, so I cling on tight to right now and hope to make it through the night.

Do We Build Our Friends Up, Or Tear Them Down?

flossdoeslife

When we spoke to Page from Poly.Land a few weeks back, she discussed how since being polyamorous and developing her ability to enjoy compersive feelings, this had not only occurred with romantic relationships but also with friends. That conversation has been rattling around my brain lately, as I pondered the question; Do we build our friends up or do we tear them down?

I think everyone’s instant reaction would be ‘of course I don’t tear my friends down’, probably with a certain level of outrage for it even being suggested. Which I get, I don’t want to think I ever do that either. However, do we always support people as fully as we can, especially if their endeavours may outshine our own?

IMG_3443At the weekend myself and Bakji went to our local peer rope group. So many of our friends were doing awesome rope, suspending partners, suspending friends and…

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It is okay unless it’s not

 

Chesh wanted to write something on poly and my alarm bells went off like a claxon. We have had poly relationships which have gone wrong, and my worry is that the second that she writes something on poly, people we are involved will be hurt, or people we used to be involed in will go “really? Really, you think you are an authority?”

The idea of a relationship guru or an expert on relationships is crazy. Is it someone who has had a successful relationship for forty years, or someone who has had lots of unsuccessful relationships and learnt from them? And what is learnt in one relationship isn’t necessarily transferable to the next relationship – or a different one.

Having given those caveats, if none of us share our experiences then none of us have a chance to learn from each other’s mistakes. So having been around the block a few times and made more mistakes than I care to mention, I wanted to say something about what is okay. It seems unsurprising to say anything – everything is okay as long as everyone is up for it. If you want a one night stand; if you want a three-some, four-some, more-some; if you want to know the people you play with or don’t; if you are a couple who are just using an extra body for sex and want to kick them out as soon as the last person has finished cumming; or if you want to be in a live-in relationship with your poly family… It is all okay as long as that is what everyone wants and what everyone agrees too. Until it isn’t.

That “until it isn’t” bit is tough. First of all I think most of us are very bad at actually knowing what we want – what will work for us, and how long it will work for us. Just on a basic level many of us can imagine something and find in reality it’s different. But it goes further than that – we change. What is okay for us isn’t going to stay the same, and as our needs change our desires change and how we feel about the people in our life evolve. Saying “well, I just agreed to X Y Z” doesn’t cut much water – it fails to recognize that with all the best of intentions, we are not always able to predict what will make us happy or what will make us sad.

I struggle with that a lot – if I say to someone “right, I can see you once every six weeks” and they say “that’s great, I am after the same”, I am shocked six months down the line when it’s not enough. I want to say – “well, we agreed!” When I sit back and am rational I realize that my own feelings have evolved, that actually I want more myself – but my starting point is to want to go “but we agreed!” We both said what we wanted.

With poly, it’s even harder when you have three plus people all with evolving desires and requirements, all with changing goal posts on what makes them happy or sad, what is a turn on and what is a turn off. When one person is upset it throws everything else off and the more people involved the harder that becomes. I don’t want to be all doom and gloom here – one person who is feeling really happy can lift everything. A smile, a skip in the step and huge hug and the world can feel so much better. I also don’t want to suggest that change is a bad thing – it’s not – change can involve moving from a narrow view of what you thought you wanted to something that is far more fulfilling. It can involve moving forward to a far better, healthier, more whole relationship. BUT it requires an ability to not draw a line in the sand and say that was what we agreed – and what we have has to look like what we had, or what we said we wanted. It has to be founded on the fundamental acceptance that our needs, and how those needs get met evolves over time.

So as someone who gets it wrong more than I get it right – my number one piece of poly advice: Everything is okay until it’s not, and when it’s not, be prepared to change.

 

Daughtes and Sons

I have two daughters and a son. I love them more than words, and have their backs. So it made me pause and think when I received a message from someone’s Dad this week, who messaged me to let me know that if I tied up his daughter again I wouldn’t be able to tie my own shoe laces.

I gave my reply some thought. Should I let him know that I wear slip on shoes? Should I send him a whole bunch of photos of girls in compromising positions and ask him which one is his daughter? My first instinct when threatened is to poke the hornet’s nest, to go “really? You want to bring it on?” I am not a fan of being threatened. After taking a few deep breaths, I pointed out that I would not hesitate to go to the police if I heard from him again. I suggested that he talk to his daughter instead of me. When I asked around, based on his initials, I discovered that it was someone who is estranged from their daughter (who is over 25). I am really not the person he needs to be talking to – and, more importantly, listening to.

There is a sense among some people that it is impossible to consent – who would let someone tie them up and hit them unless they had been brain washed? Surely no one in their right mind can find bruises pretty? This is tough stuff to understand from outside the kink community and even harder to understand when you see photos of someone you care about apparently hurt. It is understandable that this creates a feeling of rage and a desire to get revenge. That doesn’t mean threatening people over the internet is a good way forward but it does means we need to take pause and consider how it feels to think that someone you love and care about is being hurt and mistreated. How can we explain to friends and family that it is what we want? If you have someone who will listen and take the time to understand then it’s possible, but if someone doesn’t want to hear, it is just not going to be possible.

I often hear people say some people at work, someone in the supermarket, someone in the pub, was going on about BDSM and I just kept quiet. PLEASE DON’T. While we may never be able to help someone understand who has just seen pictures of their kid with bruises, we can spread proper information one person at a time, one conversation at a time. We can improve the general understanding of BDSM. It might just be that the person you hear complaining about BDSM in the pub is the dad or mum of someone I tied up – and while they won’t listen to me or her, maybe, just maybe, they will listen to you.aaa

We Vibe Wish Personal Massager

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This toy needs two reviews not one – the first one looking at what its like as an actual vibrator, the second looking at it as a toy that connects to your phone

LOOK AND FEEL

The WISH is described as having a plush exterior and it does feel really good in the hand, it’s a pleasant shaped tactile toy which looks and feels “gentle”. It falls firmly into the catagory of toys designed to look lovingly luxurious.

RUMBLES

This is an external rumbly vibrator for your clit, and that is a crowded market place. People who like all out power on the clit are going to own a wand – and for those who are true clit consouirs the satisfier type toys have become the golden chalice so a standard clit toy becomes a bit meh, it becomes difficult to know what we should be compairing this to. Bullets go for pure often high power vibration but don’t offer much in the way of rumble, so this is a step up but it’s a big leap in price and so you expect great things. It has got a good deep rumble to it but and it’s a big but as vibration “load” is spread over the large area of the toy it means that the clit receives less of the intensity.  So whilst the toy does have a high power vibration it’s difficult to feel all it’s strength.  This might however work for some people! For us and our play partners, It just fails to deliver a strong enough punch on the areas that we count.  Now you may be someone who enjoys a more “all around” feeling on their intimate areas, as the toy will cover the labia and vagina…in which case this toy is perfect for you.

WIFI AND TECH

Alongside being able to control the WISH from the actual toy you can also connect it via blue tooth to your smart phone. This makes it far easier to control and see what you are doing than playing with the buttons on the toy. Connection worked seamlessly – and you are able to switch between types of pulse – and strength as well as create your own patterns. Now there may be a huge number of people out there who enjoy the variations modes that are becoming almost standard with toys now – but with the people I play with I tend to find that only one of the multiple modes is really enjoyed and its always the same one so I am not sure how much is gained by the multiple patterns that are on offer.

If you are using this vibrator at home and have connected it to your phone you can then send an invite to a ..special friend… to take control of the vibe, and this invite can go via Facebook messenger, whatsapp, email however you want. This then puts them in charge of your vibrator.  In theory this sounds super hot and awesome for long distance lovers – as a Dom it’s important to try this toy out in person with your lover first, or when hone alone it might take some time to set up and it might not be a toy your partner will be able to come from as for those with sensitive clits it absolutely does the job, but its just not spectacular, it feels like it goes from 1-6 as opposed to 1-10,  and the controls of its power seems to go 1…4,5,6 with not enough space between them. With a different toy this technology could be a lot of fun but with this toy..in honesty it’s a bit lack luster and not worth the price tag.

Will treating your rope kill you?

We sell rope (I know i should have mentioned it right!) which is “food grade” so it doesnt stink of JBO – but most of the rope sold for bondage does have a lot of JBO in it.

 JBO = Jute batch oil. It is used to in the manufacturing process of most Jute yarn, and it is what gives so much of Jute rope its petrolim type smell. One of the most common ways of dealing with this is coating the rope in wax was seals it in to a degree.

However many people recommend either boiling or putting the rope in the oven at a low temp to burn of the JBO. This approach is hideously dangerous. You can see a COSHH sheet for JBO http://www.petron.com/pdfs/Industrial%20Petroleum%2…

Let me highlight a couple of important points:

SKIN CONTACT: Prolonged or repeated contact may result in the defatting of skin leading to irritation and possible dermatitis.

INHALLATION: negligible hazard at ambient temperate however if OVERHEATED – ESPECIALLY in the presence of water hydrogen sulfide may be realised – this CAN CAUSE RESPITOARY COLLAPSE, COMA AND DEATH WITHOUT WARNING.

Furthermore overexposure to oil mists may result in droplet depositions, oil granuloma formation, inflammation and increase incidence of infection.

If you boil JBO Jute the fumes that come off it ARE HIGHLY TOXIC , you are creating a poisons gas.

Please stay safe folk!

Product Review: Satisfyer Pro 2

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We won this as a prize in a raffle @simplypleasure in Bournemouth where we sometimes give rope and spanking demos. We had looked at the prizes before the draw and the Satisfier was WAY WAY down on the list of items we wanted to win. It looks cheap and nasty, and testing it on the hand made us think that this was a pretty darn pointless product which had little chance of having any real effect. I would have expected a twenty quid price tag – and it costs a lot more. It was then in honesty a disappointment to win it.

When we got home we decided to give it ago – it charges with a magnetic cable which sits on the end of the Satisfyer and then connects to USB. It’s a good design but do I really want another cable to use? If it charged using a standard USB cable that would be fine it means if I loose the cable I can just use a different one – with this if I loose the cable its all over.

So we turned it on…and wow…okay… squirting orgasm in under five minutes. This thing is intense and amazing. Is this a one person thing? Nope as you may have noticed I play with lots of people… of six people this toy has been used with everyone of them has looked unimpressed at the toys appearance but blown away by its performance. This is an item that has to be used to be believed – it is AMAZING and has fast become a favorite toy. Get one – seriously you will thank me.

 

 

 

Bondage kit product review

So we got a package through from http://www.paloqueth.com/ in fact two packages to review.

The packaging is awesome, it looks luxurious and expensive, within the box is a mesh draw string bag which gives a nice feel to the whole unboxing experience.

Package 1: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IOIU1ZY

Okay it has to be said that this is very much an entry-level bedroom bondage kit – but its fun, and it manages to avoid feeling tacky while still being a really good price. The blindfold works fully cutting out vision, the fur’esq lining isn’t irritating which many are.

As a sadist it won’t come as a surprise that I looked at the feather tickler with a sense of dismay…however I soon found a way to make it hurt.

There is a “air hole” ball gag in the kit. Now I have a big a problem with these. Saliva and bacteria get into the ball through the holes and there is no way of properly cleaning them out – so for me this item is a bit of a no go and was consined straight to the bin.

Rope: Black cotton braided hollow core rope.  Look I am a huge fan of Jute and serious shibari rope, but when I started out doing rope I used rope just like this. It doesn’t give the gorgeous bite marks that Jute or Hemp does, but it has its advantages to. Its soft – and its washable! Jute and Hemp are a pain to wash, and that can be a real issue if you want to be doing crotch ties or getting messy in the bedroom – this room is perfect for bedroom bondage. Would I use it for suspension? Hell no! Will I have fun with it? Yup!

 

Cuffs ad hog tie link: These are small – if you are a skinny mini that’s fine, but if you have some flesh on your ankles you are going to struggle to get these around them. That said they have a nice feel to them. I am not about to abandon using rope, but cuffs are versatile and let you put someone in a variety of positions easily and move between positions easily.  The chains are not going to take you pulling on them massively – but they are not designed for heavy resistant play they are designed for “loving BDSM”, and they tick the boxes here.

Collar: the collar is a high neck collar that limits the movability of your neck and ensures upright posture. I am a bit of a fan of high neck collars, although for comfort you really need them a bit more shaped than this one. I tried the collar on two different people – adjustment wise on one person it was fine – on another it was way to big.

Whip: Okay generally speaking I am not a fan of floggers they often are pretty long making them fairly unusable in a confined space – however this one is actually good fun, its short, light weight and packs a sting.

Overall this kit is great value for money, it is not perfect – but if you are looking for a bedroom bondage starter kit then I think it’s a good deal.

 

Package 2: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01LX1FVB1 

Okay… we have issues here folks because when paloqueth said they would send me this stuff in exchange for an honest review I said I would give just that…and I hate this. It smells like a new car..you know that really distinctive smell? That’s fine if you have a big thing for new cars but for me it doesn’t bring to mind sexy times. Because of the sizing you end up with the Velcro straps against the skin which doesn’t feel good. Sorry a no from me on this on.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
I always have a sense that there is a bit of a con going on when people review things, that companies are only happy with reviews if you say everyhing is perfect. Having posted this review the people at paloqueth got in touch and said sorry I didnt like package 2, and thanks for an honest review. Would I buy from this company? Absolouly – awesome pricing, great packaging – and good attitude.