Category Archives: submissive friends

Identifying the demon

Sub Drop the demon in the submissive

The subject of sub drop is well written in forums and books etc, however what is often neglected is the fact that it is massively “under self diagnosed”.

Unfortunately for the new submissive it’s not easily identified, as it feels like a sudden depression or anger and we will naturally reason with ourselves and find a cause.  This cause is not in reality why these feelings have occurred.

I kind of crumpled in on myself and didn’t want to talk to people or move or anything. Couldn’t deal with people touching me. Had no idea what it was until my kinky friends told me (and handed me chocolate to eat) 24 hours later and wasn’t okay but was at least able to hold a conversation without feeling like it was a huge effort. Limiting people to one person and talking it out and crying helped a lot                                                                                                                                                                                               -D

Sub Drop HAS to be self diagnosed.  The reason I say this, is because I have yet to tell a sub they are dropping and not get my ear bitten off, much like telling a women she’s being overly emotional because they must be on their period.. the response is almost always the same.

How to identify Drop

The symptoms commonly occurring being

  • Depression
  • Mood swings
  • Listlessness
  • Tearful
  • Heightened sense of pain
  • Guilt
  • Embarrassment
  • Disorientation

When I joined the scene someone said a way to identify drop (of any kind) was to look for ‘abnormal’ thinking or behavior. You know yourself best and know when a feeling, behavior or thought isn’t usual for you.                                          -Bambi

This is possibly the best explanation to cover drop and I can’t do better than that!

How to approach and deal with SubDrop 

Sadly submissives walk away every day because of sub drop, the sudden change in their mood is frightening and its not an uncommon reaction for them to leave the scene entirely.  We do have the power to help someone in sub drop, firstly we need to help them to identify it.

Sub drop nearly made me want to quit the scene entirely! But I didn’t know I was dropping. I just felt so awful! Like I’d got it all wrong. My mind went totally off on one. However, support and reassurance from Sir and yourself that I was experiencing something normal did help.                                                                                                   -E

An approach we use is firstly is to offer a listening ear as you might normally. Secondly be cautious about telling them they are dropping!  Allow them to rant and get it off their chest, then you can then send them this article on sub drop.

If a friend has given you this to read…and your first thought on being handed this article is “NO i haven’t got subdrop what an arse, i really am just irritated that he never takes his mug to the kitchen”, ask yourself if you had the same emotional reaction to this action this time last week. (please note: yes he should take his cup through!!)

Other things you can do to help someone in sub drop/ or to help to do yourself

  • Eating something sugary should be the first port of call.
  • Encourage them to take a bath or shower
  • Having a nap sometimes helps, as scenes can wear you out
  • Change of scenery can help change mood
  • and most of all….Talk! Talk it out!


How to prevent sub drop

Most seem to agree that the best way to avoid sub drop is good aftercare. Ie prevention is better than cure.  This isn’t to say that even if you do get exactly the right aftercare you need you wont drop!  But most of the time it is the answer to the problem. Everyone’s aftercare needs are different, and they vary massively.  Finding what works for you is key.

Aftercare needs to be appropriate. I know someone whose aftercare is biltong                     – RopeHugs

There is also the fact that your aftercare needs might change over time too, so it is something that does need constant consideration.

Aftercare often comes in the form of the Dom showing a sign of nuture or affection, its reassurance from the Top.  A transition between the “high protocol” and intensity of the scene into the real world again.

One of the big things that helps stave of drop is having confirmation for the top and bottom that you are good people, especially after a scene with humiliation and degradation.                                                                                                 -MasterMHatter

Making aftercare appropriate is also one that needs to be considered on a scene by scene basis…

The harder play you have, the softer and more affectionate the aftercare needs to be to provide the contrast                                                                             -Ellie  

Most of all you need to take responsibility for your aftercare, you are your responsibility. So speak up and speak loud about the things you need.  If your Top chooses to ignore your basic needs, its time to walk away.

“I don’t need aftercare”

If you’ve found you’ve been dropping a lot, it could be because you haven’t found the aftercare that works for you.  As said previously everyone has different aftercare needs. Personally i worry these days if a sub who’s discussing play with my master utters the “I don’t need aftercare” phase.

Everyone needs something to help them transition back to “reality”.  I know for some it is hard to admit that what we need is affection or cuddles, especially as some will have been brought up to believe that its a sign of weakness.  In BDSM we are dealing with emotions at their core and acknowledging our needs can only be a sign of strength as a submissive.

There are some of course who prefer to “self sooth” for example some like to go home, have a bath, have a tub of ice cream and an in bed movie marathon.  If however this isn’t working for you, it is time to re-evaluate what you might need.


I think I dropped largely because I didn’t know really what I needed from aftercare, or that I needed it at all to be honest! I thought I could just go hard and go home (so to speak) but in reality I need affection and cuddles and to know everything is all okay!                                                                                                                                                             -E

A year on….

It is worth noting that whilst Sub drop can be really debilitating for a new relationship, that once its identified its easier to deal with, and with good open communication it does subside. In fact I’ve heard from submissives that have claimed after a year of playing hard… they no longer get sub drop at all.


Please note:

There are not any studies on this subject, this writing is purely based on my experience and discussions with other kinksters (primarily “the Tea party” who gave me 3 pages of a4 pad of notes in a 1 hr group chat!) with their experiences.  Of course as always my MasterMHatter plays a large part in all things I write.


Newbies: Kinky friends and mentors

The value of friendships on the scene is often overlooked by our new kinky peers as dating often taking presidence for those entering the scene.
Relationships are formed and fail on the basis of various misunderstandings and communications.  Often things that i feel usually an established kinkster could guide them through.
I’m always hearted to read if someone new adds a mentor to their profile.  It shows how much they understand the grand scale of the scene and are willing to ask for help.

Whilst I don’t discourage newbies dating, I do think that whilst your learning the ropes it is beneficial to have someone with reasonable experience who’ll listen and help you on your journey.

My partner and I are poly, he’s a skilled Dom who often finds himself with requests from eager new submissives, we discuss every person we meet and whilst my partner is free to play with who he wishes he respects my opinions and we are often discussing who he might next play with. I rarely advise him not to get involved with someone however the only time I have done so is when he met someone who had no kinky friends. This is a big warning sign for me.

Picture this if you will. . New girl on the scene eager to play with a Dom they’ve just met. They have a great scene together, and both walk away smiling. That is until the sub drop hits, and as we all know no newbie recognises sub drop.  The girl is feeling very low, tearful. She turns to her best non-scene (vanilla) friend, who is understandably concerned when she hears about her friends latest escapades.  Of course she would feel low she let a man hit her, grab her throat, slap her about etc. . what was she thinking….!!!

It is not a story that ends well for either parties, and I’m afriad it is one we’ve seen before.

Joining the scene there will usually be a host of people wanting to meet you, we are a friendly and welcoming bunch and always are happy to have someone new join their mist. Saying openly your new at an event will usually invite the host to help introduce you to people.  Use this opportunity to the max, ask questions. Lots of them is great, we often find people come onto the scene pretending to be experienced and that puts up a pretty massive barrier as it’s always obvious if you are not genuinely experienced. I usually have to walk away and hope they will move on from the falsity eventually so that  friendship can be forged later on.

When looking for a mentor pick someone of the same gender, and the same role as yourself. If you are a Dom find a Dom to mentor you, if you are a sub find a sub to mentor. It is easy for lines to get blured if you end up as a sub with a Dom mentor for example. This should be someone you are not sexualy involved in that you can turn to just for advice and guidance not play. This is an area I have really made mistakes on in the past!