Category Archives: Learn

Identifying the demon

Sub Drop the demon in the submissive

The subject of sub drop is well written in forums and books etc, however what is often neglected is the fact that it is massively “under self diagnosed”.

Unfortunately for the new submissive it’s not easily identified, as it feels like a sudden depression or anger and we will naturally reason with ourselves and find a cause.  This cause is not in reality why these feelings have occurred.

I kind of crumpled in on myself and didn’t want to talk to people or move or anything. Couldn’t deal with people touching me. Had no idea what it was until my kinky friends told me (and handed me chocolate to eat) 24 hours later and wasn’t okay but was at least able to hold a conversation without feeling like it was a huge effort. Limiting people to one person and talking it out and crying helped a lot                                                                                                                                                                                               -D

Sub Drop HAS to be self diagnosed.  The reason I say this, is because I have yet to tell a sub they are dropping and not get my ear bitten off, much like telling a women she’s being overly emotional because they must be on their period.. the response is almost always the same.

How to identify Drop

The symptoms commonly occurring being

  • Depression
  • Mood swings
  • Listlessness
  • Tearful
  • Heightened sense of pain
  • Guilt
  • Embarrassment
  • Disorientation

When I joined the scene someone said a way to identify drop (of any kind) was to look for ‘abnormal’ thinking or behavior. You know yourself best and know when a feeling, behavior or thought isn’t usual for you.                                          -Bambi

This is possibly the best explanation to cover drop and I can’t do better than that!

How to approach and deal with SubDrop 

Sadly submissives walk away every day because of sub drop, the sudden change in their mood is frightening and its not an uncommon reaction for them to leave the scene entirely.  We do have the power to help someone in sub drop, firstly we need to help them to identify it.

Sub drop nearly made me want to quit the scene entirely! But I didn’t know I was dropping. I just felt so awful! Like I’d got it all wrong. My mind went totally off on one. However, support and reassurance from Sir and yourself that I was experiencing something normal did help.                                                                                                   -E

An approach we use is firstly is to offer a listening ear as you might normally. Secondly be cautious about telling them they are dropping!  Allow them to rant and get it off their chest, then you can then send them this article on sub drop.

If a friend has given you this to read…and your first thought on being handed this article is “NO i haven’t got subdrop what an arse, i really am just irritated that he never takes his mug to the kitchen”, ask yourself if you had the same emotional reaction to this action this time last week. (please note: yes he should take his cup through!!)

Other things you can do to help someone in sub drop/ or to help to do yourself

  • Eating something sugary should be the first port of call.
  • Encourage them to take a bath or shower
  • Having a nap sometimes helps, as scenes can wear you out
  • Change of scenery can help change mood
  • and most of all….Talk! Talk it out!

 

How to prevent sub drop

Most seem to agree that the best way to avoid sub drop is good aftercare. Ie prevention is better than cure.  This isn’t to say that even if you do get exactly the right aftercare you need you wont drop!  But most of the time it is the answer to the problem. Everyone’s aftercare needs are different, and they vary massively.  Finding what works for you is key.

Aftercare needs to be appropriate. I know someone whose aftercare is biltong                     – RopeHugs

There is also the fact that your aftercare needs might change over time too, so it is something that does need constant consideration.

Aftercare often comes in the form of the Dom showing a sign of nuture or affection, its reassurance from the Top.  A transition between the “high protocol” and intensity of the scene into the real world again.

One of the big things that helps stave of drop is having confirmation for the top and bottom that you are good people, especially after a scene with humiliation and degradation.                                                                                                 -MasterMHatter

Making aftercare appropriate is also one that needs to be considered on a scene by scene basis…

The harder play you have, the softer and more affectionate the aftercare needs to be to provide the contrast                                                                             -Ellie  

Most of all you need to take responsibility for your aftercare, you are your responsibility. So speak up and speak loud about the things you need.  If your Top chooses to ignore your basic needs, its time to walk away.

“I don’t need aftercare”

If you’ve found you’ve been dropping a lot, it could be because you haven’t found the aftercare that works for you.  As said previously everyone has different aftercare needs. Personally i worry these days if a sub who’s discussing play with my master utters the “I don’t need aftercare” phase.

Everyone needs something to help them transition back to “reality”.  I know for some it is hard to admit that what we need is affection or cuddles, especially as some will have been brought up to believe that its a sign of weakness.  In BDSM we are dealing with emotions at their core and acknowledging our needs can only be a sign of strength as a submissive.

There are some of course who prefer to “self sooth” for example some like to go home, have a bath, have a tub of ice cream and an in bed movie marathon.  If however this isn’t working for you, it is time to re-evaluate what you might need.

 

I think I dropped largely because I didn’t know really what I needed from aftercare, or that I needed it at all to be honest! I thought I could just go hard and go home (so to speak) but in reality I need affection and cuddles and to know everything is all okay!                                                                                                                                                             -E

A year on….

It is worth noting that whilst Sub drop can be really debilitating for a new relationship, that once its identified its easier to deal with, and with good open communication it does subside. In fact I’ve heard from submissives that have claimed after a year of playing hard… they no longer get sub drop at all.

 

Please note:

There are not any studies on this subject, this writing is purely based on my experience and discussions with other kinksters (primarily “the Tea party” who gave me 3 pages of a4 pad of notes in a 1 hr group chat!) with their experiences.  Of course as always my MasterMHatter plays a large part in all things I write.

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8 Tips to get the attention of a kinky girl

  1. Don’t assume they are a slut [hope don’t assume MMH]. The kink world is just like the ordinary world of dating. So talk to their “vanilla” side,  be friendly and inquisitive and you’re more likely get their attention when all the others are talking to their breasts.  The fact is kinksters are NOT easy. If anything some might say they are much harder to pull.  Those on the scene who are genuinely interested in such forward sexual encounters are extremely rare, and the ones I know of.. charge.
  2. Do not talk about your kinks in your first interactions.  I guarantee you will get ignored or if you do get a reply it’s likely to be sarcastic. Good rule might be to wait until they are feeling comfortable enough with you to bring the subject up. Desires are only revealed with trust.
  3. Your profile picture will often mean the difference between you getting a response and not.  A facial picture will significantly increase your chances, a picture of your genitals however will mean they get the wrong impression of your intentions and you’ll get ignored. So save those pictures for if she asks, and ONLY if she asks!
  4. Profile writing. Be honest, if you’re new say so, if you’re shy say so. This is not the place for misrepresentation. Someone new pretending to be experienced sticks out a mile, you can’t hide it so I advise you not to try. Don’t include your fantasies or even the size of your penis here.  Treat it like you would an ordinary social media or dating site. Talk about yourself your interests and hobbies, and you can even add some “fetishes” if you like but this isn’t the place to talk about them in your writings.  Exceptions to this can be things you want to learn about,  so saying “I really like the pictures of people tied up in rope and keen to learn this skill” is totally fine, however saying “really interested in learning how I can anally train a girl for my cock” is not. (If you’re here for a quick lay you’re in the wrong place, try adultfriendfinder.com instead).  Make sure you have something in this part of your profile, simple is fine but you need to have something. Cut and paste from your facebook if you’re stuck for what to write!  From their perspective they want an idea of who they are talking to in order for them to want to engage with you.
  5. Events are important. Starting with your local munch is a great start. Getting your name out there so you are no longer the “unknown” will help people want to know you. Newbies are expected to show their face at events at some point, or you’ll quickly get written off as just another perv or at best a lurker.
  6. Kinksters are gossip merchants. It’s a small community and therefore we all talk to each other. Every kinkster is “kevin bacon” and anything silly you say to one is bound to get to a few others. Think of Kinky dating as networking! The person in front of you might not interest you, however there is always a  chance they know someone who you could be compatible with. Being uninterested or rude to that person can (and happens with alarming frequency) easily spoil your chances with someone you later have your eye on.
  7. Adding “friends” – it’s quite common for newbies on the pull to add every pretty girl to their friends list, however when that pretty girl comes to look at your profile and sees just “pretty girls” in your friends list they will assume you’re a predator and run away.
  8. Groups. This is also a good way of displaying your kinks without it being intimidating – so stock up! Participate where you can, ask questions and use the group to learn. There are many years of resources and people to gather ideas and information from.



Newbies: Kinky friends and mentors

The value of friendships on the scene is often overlooked by our new kinky peers as dating often taking presidence for those entering the scene.
Relationships are formed and fail on the basis of various misunderstandings and communications.  Often things that i feel usually an established kinkster could guide them through.
I’m always hearted to read if someone new adds a mentor to their profile.  It shows how much they understand the grand scale of the scene and are willing to ask for help.

Whilst I don’t discourage newbies dating, I do think that whilst your learning the ropes it is beneficial to have someone with reasonable experience who’ll listen and help you on your journey.

My partner and I are poly, he’s a skilled Dom who often finds himself with requests from eager new submissives, we discuss every person we meet and whilst my partner is free to play with who he wishes he respects my opinions and we are often discussing who he might next play with. I rarely advise him not to get involved with someone however the only time I have done so is when he met someone who had no kinky friends. This is a big warning sign for me.

Picture this if you will. . New girl on the scene eager to play with a Dom they’ve just met. They have a great scene together, and both walk away smiling. That is until the sub drop hits, and as we all know no newbie recognises sub drop.  The girl is feeling very low, tearful. She turns to her best non-scene (vanilla) friend, who is understandably concerned when she hears about her friends latest escapades.  Of course she would feel low she let a man hit her, grab her throat, slap her about etc. . what was she thinking….!!!

It is not a story that ends well for either parties, and I’m afriad it is one we’ve seen before.

Joining the scene there will usually be a host of people wanting to meet you, we are a friendly and welcoming bunch and always are happy to have someone new join their mist. Saying openly your new at an event will usually invite the host to help introduce you to people.  Use this opportunity to the max, ask questions. Lots of them is great, we often find people come onto the scene pretending to be experienced and that puts up a pretty massive barrier as it’s always obvious if you are not genuinely experienced. I usually have to walk away and hope they will move on from the falsity eventually so that  friendship can be forged later on.

NOTE FROM MASTERMHATTER:
When looking for a mentor pick someone of the same gender, and the same role as yourself. If you are a Dom find a Dom to mentor you, if you are a sub find a sub to mentor. It is easy for lines to get blured if you end up as a sub with a Dom mentor for example. This should be someone you are not sexualy involved in that you can turn to just for advice and guidance not play. This is an area I have really made mistakes on in the past!

The evolution of kink identity

The Evolution of Kink Identity

by Cheshirecat_MMH and MasterMHatter.

(this entry is part of a section on Roles and Identity within Kink and forms part of the book “Learning to kneel: a Guide to submission” due for publication early 2017.

This short section came out of a conversation with friends where we asked, what would you like to let new subs know?

As a kinkster we go on quite the adventure.  It is tempting to look at the different “roles/titles” and then try to make ourselves fit into one of these boxes. We exclaim yes! That describes me, and then work to make any of the areas that don’t fit squeeze in.

As time goes on some of those elements we have adopted can jar, and there can be areas which don’t fit in with the role we have chosen that interest us – we can be left doubting our identity. Am I really who I thought I was? How will kinky friends respond if I say that I am not a sub any more but am now a babygirl? Will people think less of me if they know I like to spank people?

IT IS OKAY TO CHANGE, TO EXPLORE, TO EVOLVE. TO TRY THINGS AND CHANGE YOUR MIND. IT IS OKAY TO NOT FIT INTO A BOX.

Being a meat eater who doesn’t like chicken is okay, being a babygirl who hates colouring is fine, being a submissive who doesn’t like pain is fine, being a top who like receiving anal sex with a strapon is fine.

I mostly use the title slave, as I am my Masters – I want to express that I am living this 24/7, that He gets to have the final say in every area.  However… I enjoy being read to, curling up with my head in His lap and sleeping like that.  When we argue I swear like a trooper (something which I am normally not permitted to do).  Can I really call myself a slave then? How do I describe the parts of me that are “little”? And the parts that are an angry teenager?  

I am a rigger. I love to tie people up – and sometimes…maybe bite…just a little bit….and I enjoy spanking people..not everyone…but sometimes with the right person… wait does that mean I am a switch? I switch between Slave and Top? Even when I am topping someone though if Sir raises His eyebrow at me then I melt and…

So my profile reads Slave. Because I am His. That doesn’t tell the whole story though, and when you think of what a slave is like you may imagine someone very different to me – and that is okay, because I am not your slave – and the people who need to know how I play already know me.

Cheshirecat_MMH

We are all on a journey within BDSM, so whilst you may identify as a sub/bottom/slave/little/top etc now, it’s important to know that you can make these roles your own.  You’re likely to evolve throughout your journey.  While we are a community that thrives on rules, none of us can be defined by a single word, and we don’t need to be.

If you are not sure where you fit in, or don’t want to publically take on a “role” then leave your role as Evolving, for many of us it remains the truest description of who we are. If you wish to let people know what you are into – add to your fetish list, let people know that you love to be beaten, but with paddles not canes, and you have teeth as sharp as razor blades, and you love to cuddle and colour but that the thought of calling someone Daddy makes your skin crawl, and that cake turns you on in a way that really doesn’t seem right – but that a hand on your throat leaves you weak at the knees.. Above all – know that you don’t have to be who you were yesterday, and the fun is in finding out who you will be tomorrow.12301306_1660877817527670_778012762_n12301306_1660877817527670_778012762_n

Processing pain in BDSM

Before I met my Master I had only experienced a spanking from 2 people, my ex who was inexperienced but trying his best and an experienced Dom whose attitude was very much that you should be able to take his hardest or “you’re not a real sub”, his spankings felt like it should have shattered every bone in his hand. It scared me so much I could no longer believe I was a masochist.

Then I met my Master, who introduced me to erotic spanking or “funishment”. Pain play that would take me to an endorphin fueled euphoria I didn’t know existed.

There are currently articles and books in existence about how to process pain as a submissive. I find them really sad, as it doesn’t have to come to this.

Since my experience as a new sub with the wrong Dom, I’ve come to realise it’s not how it should work. If you’re in the hands of someone who’s dishing out lots of pain you’re not enjoying or coping with, then “processing” isn’t going to help.

A good spanking…

  • Makes you wet
  • Challenges you
  • Gives you fuzzy feels afterwards
  • Can make you feel loved up.

Pain play shouldn’t be something you feel you have to take “painkillers” for, learning to process isn’t going to help and in the long run means you get the wrong idea of what erotic pain feels like.

Erotic pain should be challenging yes, but measured in a way that shows understanding of where you are at.

Having watched and been involved with many submissives, all who deal with pain differently I am not convinced that “learning to process pain” is a problem the sub has to deal with and rather it being a mismanagement from the Doms behalf.

If you’re struggling please take a step back and communicate this with your Dom/Top. Explain what you’re experiencing, many tips on how to give a good spanking can be found in my master’s book “in the flesh“.

Describing the difference between the bad pain and the good pain is tough, as everyone is slightly different. You’ll experience the good pain as something you can cope with, and if you pause, breath and reflect on it you’ll notice is effect on you. (It’s easy to get into the I’m in pain headspace and not notice the good)

Bad pain sends you mentally to a bad place where you just want to escape and take painkillers given the option. If this is a regular occurrence, maybe you need to have a chat with your Top to let them know you’re not enjoying what’s happening.

We all need to be in this to enjoy it, not to endure it.

 

Shibari and BDSM

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(Photo by ChrisD  Rigger MasterMHatter, Bunny: Cheshirecat-MMH. Rope: MMHJute )

There is a sharp divide in the rope community between those who engage with rope as part of a Dominance and submission paradigm and those who approach Shibari as an end in and off itself.

This is a divide that I have been aware of for some time but one which I have only recently begun to actually think about in a more serious context. My own entry into the rope scene was heavily influenced by Kink.com and the portrayal of rope bondage as part of a sexual D/s fantasy scene. With this as a starting point I then explored Japanese rope, Shibari, Kinbaku, and its related routes – but at its heart rope has always been about Dominance and submission, Sadism and masochism and is sexual. A theme reflected in many of the Japanese riggers who started (and in many cases continue) there careers in pornography.

 

I was not made aware of how unusual this approach was until a talented rope teacher came to stay with us and said “I haven’t come across another rope community which is so D/s focused”.

 

Shibari can be a sport, one in which people push themselves to the limit of there physical endurance. It is a two-person sport like a Tango, and those who perform for the public can put hours into their practice conveying the greatest passion they can through their routine. This performance can take place however whether or not the two people are actually lovers who are angry with each other – or desperate – or in a D/s relationship, or whatever other emotions are being displayed as part of this performance. The importance of the emotional connectivity that is conveyed within Shibari is a prevalent discussion, while some teachers focus on the technicality of the steps others empathies the important of delivering those steps with feelings – this is not the same as encouraging people to have these feelings, or viewing those feelings as necessary – rather the portrait of emotions is the often emphasized requirement.

 

Within some Rope communities’ rope is decidedly unsexual – while people might engage in bedroom bondage Shibari is viewed as an elevated art form more akin to nude painting than porn. The sexual tension is careful removed from the room and replaced by giggles and sweatpants. For other communities rope is introduced specifically for the bedroom, this is an activity for couples seeking some extra spice – some go on to make rope more than a bedroom activity but the starting point is desire and hands and feet attached to bedposts.

 

A word is needed here on the terminology relating to participants in rope. For the person tying generally one of two terms are used, either Rigger or Rope Top. The term rigger is used almost universally in the Western rope scene, with a few people adopting rope top – a term which has a good level of elasticity in its meaning. For some Rope Top is an indication that they tie within a dynamic, for others it is just a term used to be synomonous with rigger.

 

When we approach the terminology for those who are tied things become far more emotionally charge. The preferred term in some communities is “Rope Model”. This term implies to me a rope clotheshorse, but by the people who adopt this term it means anything but this. Rather the term is used to describe an equil partner in rope – 50% of the rope team that along with the Rigger create rope art. Others use the term Rope Bunny, a term that while preferred by some people who view it as an affectionate name which accurately describes there bouncy excitement at the possibility of “falling” into some rope, for other this term is seen as deeply insulting. For those who object to the term it is viewed as frivolous and brings to mind the image of a vapious playboy bunny (not to suggest that playboy bunnies are vapious but rather that this is a commonly associated image). Next we have the “rope bottom”. Here we have a term in hot contention – does this refer to a degree of submission, or does it refer to the position one takes in a particular scene, which may or may not involve submission? As unclear and open to interpretation as these terms are use the wrong one at your peril. Finally for the person being tied and the person tying we have the term “Rope Artist”. This terminology appears to makes it clear that we are not talking about D/s, or Sadism and masochism; we are discussing the creation of art – of course this is art that does on occasion contain D/s and Sadism and masochism and so again these lines become blurred.

 

At some classes an announcement is made at the start of the class that D/s relationships should be put on hold for the length of the class, that both parties rigger and rope “model” are equal parties working together to achieve a common goal this is not a place for D/s. This approach seems to imply that first of all within a D/s context a couple are not able to communicate freely, further that an established D/s couple are able to or desire to put the normal context of their relationship on hold within this environment – and thirdly that a couple would be prepared to do so upon receiving an instruction to do so from a third party. This can create a situation in which D/s couples feel unwelcome at Rope workshops, an environment in which they might reasonably expect to find a warm embrace.

 

Having nailed my colours firmly to the mast, and for anyone who missed it – my personal approach to rope is that it is a tool with which to express D/s, it is brimming with sex, and there is a good chance that there will be some Sadism and masochism as part of any rope scene I engage in – what is Shibari for you? Are you an artist? A Rigger? A Bunny or a model? Are you a rope top or rope bottom and have I misunderstood what you mean by the term?

 

Talk to me folks.

12 tips for new rope bunnys

1. Work out what you want from being tied.

Before you do anything it is a really good idea to work out what it is that you want to get out of the experince. Some people enjoy being tied up for the adrenile rush, others because they get a sexual kick out of it, some people love the physcial challange, while others enjoy going into “rope space”. For some bunnies its all about creating beautful shapes with their bodies and getting awesome photos, for others its about surrunder. What you want to get out of rope makes a massive diffrence to who you will want to be rigging with, and how you want to approach rope as a whole.

 

2. Don’t get hung on body shape or size 

The number of people we have had tell us that they can’t be suspended because they are too big.. and so far we havent found someone we can’t suspend (we have suspended people so far from size 6-size 20).  If you are svelt you are likely to fnd bunnying easier than those with a larger frame…sort of…. and I say sort of because rope is not a competition. A good rigger will work with you so that you can get the kind of rope experince you would like. If what you are after is a challanging suspension – then it doesnt matter what size you are or how flexible you are belive me your rigger will find a way to make it a challange.

If your aim is to do the same suspennsion as you have seen someone else do, with the same transistions this may be more of a challange – because no two people are built the same. We have found that some bunnies who can sustain a single ankle suspension struggle to spend more than five minutes in a TK, while we hav a bunny who loves TK’s but hates strapardos.

Everyone has different ranges and capabilities, find a good rigger that will work with you, your desires, and your body.

 

3. Fitness helps
Being fit means that you can sustain ties for longer, and do some of the more circus type stuff – but if you dont want to be doing this kind of tie…then don’t worry about it! If you do want to increase the ties you can sustain then working on core strength will have the biggest impact.

 

4. Stretch

It really does help, having warm muscles means you can be more flexible and fly/stay in the ropes longer. My Master gives me a little heads up, i start stretching and flexing when i’m done i like to wait quitely on the floor. He then knows i’m done and we start our scene without losing the dymnanic of the scene, as i find it a bit toppy to then say “yup i’m done warming up, ready for you now” .. kinda thing!

5. Tingles..

yes there are different tingles, some are okay, some mean you need to come out asap. Unless your really experienced never ignore tingles. Speak up quick or risk losing a functioning hand or arm.

 

6. Tk get used to them, they happen a lot!

There are almost unlimited number of variables on a TK (Box-tie), get used to it now. No amount of complaining “what another tk!!!!…” Is going to help. Get used to the position, in your day to day.. hold your arms in that position as often as possible, it does become comfortable eventually I promise… Your gonna be doing this a lot. It’s your rope bread and butter. So learn to love them.
–Please note if you really can’t get on with a TK that doesn’t mean that you can’t do rope but it is the most common tie that riggers use–

7. Learn to laugh in the face of Failure and think about how you define failure.

At some point you will get nerve twinges and need to come down early. At some point something will hurt lots. At some point you will find something you are trying to do just too tough.  Whether you define this as failure, whether you are able to laugh about it – whether you are able to take a breath and go okay what shall we try next, or whether you and your rigger get into an argument about it, or you feel really depressed that it went wrong will define how much you enjoy rope. Sometimes your body wont let you do what you wish, sometimes you are not in the right head space. That is okay. Remember this is meant to be fun!

 

8. Safety is your responsibility

Fuco a well known bunny, recently wrote about how being safe as a bunny is your responsibility. I whole heartily agree, the blame culture in shibari is rife and often unfair. It’s unlikely your top is out to deliberately hurt you, however there are some people around that do not realise they have unsafe practices. You need to know as much, and often more than they do. So bone up on weight loading, dynamic loading hard points and their rope. Old rope, or rope that’s lost its twist in places, dry rope, is all bad! Check their equipment for weight ratings.. tell them if your wrap placement’s are wrong. Make sure you are confident in your riggers ability.

 

9. Communications

If struggle to speak up, worry about saying no, get anxious or feel intimidated by the person your rigging with… Simply don’t let them tie you. BDSM requires full consent, if you can’t give it or withdraw it.. do not play. You will find yourself in situations you don’t want to be in, and it’s not fun to have such regrets.

 

10.Use your safe word.

I am repeating myself here but it’s serious stuff I’m sick of reading how this bunny did xx with X she didn’t call red and then posts “rape like” allegations to discredit and/or humiliate them. It’s not fair. Safe words will only keep you safe if you use them. If you don’t use them, then you’ll have to live with the consequences. Don’t blame the top, they aren’t a mind reader.

 

11 Every tie is a lesson

Everytime you get into rope your learning more about your body, especially at first. Most of the time its fun, but its not always for the faint hearted. I have passed out due to coughing too much in a chest restricting tie, i projectile vommited in a suspension from spinning a lot. The more you do the more you learn – but sometimes its messy!

12. Negotiate boredom time

Otherwise known as lab time. Which is where you’ll be stock still whilst your rigger learns or practise something new. How much time you spend in lab work, and how much is in dynamic is a balancing act that you can negotiate on.  It is easy for a rigger to forget how boring lab time can be for a bunny – it is however important – but making sure its interspercide with something fun makes it a lot easier. Lab time is also the time many injuries occur as you can be in the same position for far longer than normal – keep checking in with your body.

 

13.Sickness

Would you go swimming with a cold? How about going for a hike with a chest infection? IF you are unwell take the night off. The number of times I have tried to carry on and bunny despite being under the weather is …well more than I care to admit because I love rope – I dont want to mis sout on a chance to be in rope, but if I am not in tip top health it always goes wrong.